Chicken and Waffles
by SpellboundWinter
Summary: Kevin gets a surprise visitor during the night with an empty stomach. Who could it possibly be? Stolovan. One-shot.


**For my friend XxDarkSarcasm1010xX. For all the stuff you do, this is for you :D**

**YAY!**

* * *

_Bang! Smash! Crash!_

I stirred from my dream of cruising around Hoth with the Jedi knights to the waking world. What an awesome dream too. My eyes creaked open as they took in the room. Well, it was still dark out. From my window I could see street lamps that were still bright.

_Bang! Crash!_

I was startled out of my daze, hearing more and more noise. My clock on my bedside read forty-three Am…

Oh god! It's a burglar! I flew out of bed, stumbling over my feet and nearly breaking my head open. I snatched up a hanger that held my work clothes for tomorrow, well, today.

Great, I can ask the burglar to take off his shoes and I can hang up his coat!

I needed something that oozed badassery. I'm sure my lightsabers weren't going to do it this time. This is why scientists need to invent plasma guns and laser rifles. Now that's intimidating.

While rummaging through my closet, I found something. Grabbing up one of my replica swords, I knew what I was going to use. A katana! I could feel the badassery just coursing through my veins!

Nobody robs Kevin Stoley's apartment…

That and I can't call for help. My phone is in the kitchen... It's either kill or be killed. That and I was way too tired to process my decisions in my head. With the idea in my head, I slinked out of my bedroom and to the foot of the stairs.

I peered down at the obstacle at hand. The stairway. How was I going to get to point A to point B without making a peep?

I took one individual step at a time and each time I did, I could feel the floorboards creak under my foot. I could have died from the adrenaline alone. I bet my forehead was just sleek with sweat.

With steel in hand, I scoped out my living room. It seemed like nobody had even touched anything. Good, good. I didn't see anything missing.

_Crash!_

My head snapped towards the kitchen. A great amount of light pouring from the door way and was that… humming? Hey, I could smell food too and something frying with sounds of a sizzle and pop.

Did the burglar get hungry or something? I slid up against the side of the wall, peeking quickly to see a pan on the burner and a shadowy figure inside my cupboards.

This was it! I was going to chop that guy in half. Like that time when Luke Skywalker's hand got sliced off… but I'll make sure to aim for the head. Taking a few deep breaths, I let out a war cry and rushed into the kitchen with my katana over my head. I was slicing at anything that moved.

The mysterious figure nearly dropped everything in their arms and ducked out of the way of my swinging.

"Kevin! _KEVIN_!" the person was nearly screaming. But, the person seemed kinda... familiar. He had a nasally voice too.

Panting and trembling, I let the katana clatter from my hands.

The chubby man held part of a flour bag, glancing down I saw the other half and a mountain of flour. Holy shit! I nearly sliced him in half!

"Cly-Clyde?!"

I hurried to the brunette's side. He had nearly lost all color to his face and his bottom lip was shaking. "Clyde, how the hell did you get into my apartment?!"

"Why the hell did you use your sword on me?!" Clyde bellowed, his eyes welling up with tears as little sobs started to leave his lips.

I heaved out a loud sigh, holding his shoulder. What the hell was Clyde even doing at my apartment? My guess is food. "I didn't know it was you. Uh, sorry Clyde," I tightened the strings around my robe instinctively. "Is… anyone else here?"

Clyde was obviously scared out of his wits. I just came at him with a sword and it sliced the bag of flour in half. That would be enough for anyone to get a little shook up I suppose. "N-no, ju-just me! I was hungry!"

Seems like him.

"…You've got to be kidding me Clyde."

The chubby boy spoke up, brushing the white powder off his hands and onto his sweater. "I am! You see, I-I got this craving around one this morning. For chicken. And I wanted something sweet to go with it. So I went about searching my cupboards and fridge. I only had these waffles. And I knew you had chicken and syrup."

I held the bridge of my nose while he was talking, I could not put up with Clyde's antics.

"An-And the window was open so I slid inside and…"

Meanwhile, I got out a broom from the pantry, sweeping up the flour that wisped all round and sat in white piles. "Chicken and waffles? What is this? The old south?"

'Oh Kevin, why are you late to work?' I can hear my boss say. And I'd say back, 'oh nothing, my best friend came over at three demanding chicken and waffles!' There goes my career. There goes that raise I wanted too.

"This is South Park." Clyde mumbled, taking the broom pan from me and kneeling, helping me sweep up the rest of the flour. I noticed his face was still leaking tears and snot.

Yoda, please give me strength.

I took the pan from him, disposing of the flour and swiping a few paper towels on my way over to him. He whimpered, sobbing loudly as I yanked his face close so I could wipe away the rest of the white powder and snot. The poor guy looked like he was having a cocaine binge.

…Clyde's so fucking adorable and annoying all at the same time. I dunno whether to slap him across the face or to give him a hug.

"Now Clyde, I got work in…" I glanced over at the clock on the microwave. "Three hours. Let's just go to bed."

"But I'm hungry and you used all the flour for the chicken breast by playing Samurai Jack!"

I cleared my throat, correcting him. "Actually the sword is used by Vergil in Devil May Cry-"

"I don't care who used the sword!" Clyde whined louder, his voice reaching a few higher octaves. "The point is there is no flour to fry this chicken in! I can't make the yummy bread without it!"

There goes that adorable side of Clyde, right out the window.

I twirled on my heel and pried open the freezer and began my search. I couldn't let the guy starve. But mom always said never to feed a stray cat. Reaching into the way back, uncovering frost and…snow, I found a package chicken nuggets. They were most likely freezer burned. Hell, the label was worn off. I wouldn't eat them.

I nearly send them flinging out of my hands when I heard Clyde protest loudly.

"What?! You don't have any maple syrup?!" Clyde huffed, getting on his tip toes to check each cupboard thoroughly. "How am I supposed to eat my waffles now?! Jesus Christ, this is turning out to be a bad day for me."

I rolled my eyes, crossing my arms. "Clyde, you wouldn't know a bad day if it bit you in the…" I gave Clyde a second glance. I noticed his line of sights were… in my… crotch. I cleared my throat but to no avail, it was if he was having a staring contest with it.

Clyde licked his lips, encroaching closer. "Could borrow a little of your _syrup_?"

...That was one of the most unattractive, not-sexiest things I have ever heard. In the history of, I dunno, ever.

Fatass.

"Get out," I pointed in the direction of the front door angrily. "Just get out of my house Clyde." It figures Clyde would try to hit on my when I'm not in my right mind. It's nearly four Am and he wants a quick lay.

Clyde went back to sniveling, his already puffy eyes redder and glistening with tears and I'm sure his nose was ready to pour snot like Pompeii. "W-why you gotta be so mean, Kev?"

"I am not mean." I snatched up the waffle box, waving it around. "Do you want some or not?"

"Y-yes." His bottom lip stuck out in that cute way. If he wasn't cute I'd have to beat him senseless with the box of waffles. I let out a loud exhale through my nose, rummaging through my cupboard and getting out the toaster.

Clyde grinned triumphantly, taking his frozen waffles and placing them in the slots. "Th-Thanks Kev."

"I guess its fine."

The chubby boy wiped his face, pinching his cheeks. For what? I dunno. "I'm just a little lonely after Craig moved out I guess. Seeing him with Tweek kinda makes me sad."

I felt my gut drop. I had forgotten all about that.

"I don't have a best friend anymore to have any kooky shenanigans with. Craig's got a boyfriend and what do I have?" he lifted the flimsy box with a frown. "Freezer burnt waffles?"

Goddamn Clyde and his antics.

"You can be my best friend." I didn't even have the split second to think. Why did I say that?! Now Clyde's going to be over here everything night at four trying to make food.

"Really?!" Clyde squealed. "You really mean that?! We can be best friends now?"

"Clyde, as long as you promise not to squeal."

He covered his mouth loosely, shaking his head wildly. "We're gonna have so much fun! You and I can go bro it up!" I twisted away from him, waiting on the waffles.

The next thing I knew, hands wrapped around my waist. for some reason, I let myself be entangled in the chubby guy's arms. Although, I wouldn't act like I like it. Nah, I like watching Clyde run after me.

"You going to give your bro a little syrup?" he whispered huskily into my ear. Hearing his voice just made my whole body explode in shivers. Were my knees shaking? Like a love struck teenager? Oh my god, I want to die.

"It's 'sugar' and you're not my bro. You're my friend." I hummed, feeling a little spunky. "But sure, you can all the syrup you want."

"Seriously?!" Clyde spat in my ear. I grimaced, feeling a little spit land on my neck.

"Hurry up before I change my mind."

Clyde let out a little snort as I curled around in his arms, kissing him sweetly. I felt his fingers fumbling with my robe's knot, nearly ripping it apart in anticipation.

And to be honest, I wouldn't even care. I just kept biting at his lips and tugging at anything, just letting him know how much I wanted it. Wanted him. And I have to admit, I've kinda liked the guy for a while now.

His fingers played with the rim of my boxers, he nearly seized his prize until…

The waffles that popped up from the toaster but that wasn't the thing that stopped us from our fun, no…

A ball off flame shot up from the burner.

Fuck.

_Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!_

Clyde peered behind him, his eyes wide in shock. "Oh shit! I forgot about the grease in the pan!" He darted towards the sink, filling a glass of water. I had to tackle him down, nearly clawing at the cup.

"You don't put water on a grease fire! Are you stupid or something?!"

He gave me the same puppy dog look as I went down on my knees, searching for the extinguisher while my kitchen was going to burn to ash!

I found the little red container under the sink, bringing it up with me. I aimed, pulling the trigger as the hose shot out the foam. And just like that, the fire was out. I swear this adrenaline is going to kill me.

"Phew, that was close. Thank god you had your white foam to put it all out." Clyde shot me a look, his smile getting wider and wider by the second.

I glared at him. Any sort of romance that was in the air died.

So, I sprayed him down with the extinguisher.


End file.
